


I think I was blind (before I met you)

by fauu_stine



Series: when you're all alone (I'll reach for you) [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: (or a little bit?), Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, Boyfriends, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 23:45:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12618264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: “What are you reading?”“Greek myths.”“Tell me a story then.”Even drops the book on the coffee table since he knows the story by heart by now.“Platon had a theory about soulmates. According to him, originally, human beings had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus, who feared their power, cut them in two, condemning them to spend the rest of their lives searching for their missing part.”Isak raises his eyebrows and smirks as he says, ”well, shit. The guy wasn’t kidding.”-- A Sequel to my Friends with benefits to Lovers AU, I want to love you (in my own language).





	I think I was blind (before I met you)

**Author's Note:**

> /!\ This work isn't beta-ed and english isn't my first language. Feel free to message me about eventual mistakes!
> 
> This is a sequel to my previous work [I want to love you (in my own language)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12325632). It's probably better to read it first.
> 
> Title from First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes.

_Now playing:_

[ Cigarettes After Sex ~ Apocalypse](https://open.spotify.com/track/7McZS9J6h0SKoZBR6cfcFe)

[ Cigarettes After Sex ~ K](https://open.spotify.com/track/0mTHy19ihR54DdAxc9mU1C)

[Bright Eyes ~ First Day of My Life](https://open.spotify.com/track/5OiaAaIMYlCZONyDBxqk4G)

*

Even always had trouble putting words on his feelings. For a long time he had felt either too much or nothing at all, no middle ground; so that instead of struggling to understand and express his twisted emotions, he had decided to ignore it altogether and take an interest in the world around him.

He was blind to his own feelings but he had learned to see those of others. He spent hours observing people, from complete strangers to his friends or family. He had become certain that he was good at reading thoughts on facial expressions, at deciphering emotions in gestures. He was secretly proud of it and it was a definite advantage for his artistic projects.

But sooner or later came the moment when he realized that seeing without feeling, it was just as well being blind.

*

It’s a random Wednesday at university.

Even is having lunch with Yousef but his friend is distracted and keeps glancing across the cafeteria. Even first decided to ignore it but after the tenth looks, he gets curious and tries to see by what Yousef is so interested in that he barely touched his favorite chicken-mayonnaise sandwich and his grated carrots. It takes him one glance to notice Isak and Sana sitting at a table on the other side of the cafeteria.

“Seriously?” Even says, trying to sound annoyed even though he’s now staring at Isak and his playful smile as he speaks to Sana and his blonde curls escaping his red snapback worn backwards.

“What?” Yousef replies, looking away reluctantly.

“You’re acting like you have a crush on her. Or like you’re obsessed with her. I’m not sure of the difference to be honest.”

“I do have a crush on her.”

“Dude, she’s your girlfriend,” Even points out, eyebrows raised.

“I still can’t believe it.”

“You’ve been together for two years.”

“Again, still can’t believe it,” Yousef repeats and he clearly means it.

“Me neither,” Even teases.

His friend tries to prick him with his fork but Even is faster at stepping aside. “Jerk,” Yousef mumbles instead.

“Sunday afternoon I cooked her favorite dish. When she tasted it and smiled at me, I thought I was going to cry tears of joy, man,” he starts talking again with stars in his eyes.

“That’s sad. Sad and embarrassing,” Even states.

“It’s not,” his friend retorts. “She’s the one. And I can’t believe she’s real sometimes.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Even knows when he utters these words that he is being hypocritical. Because he is fairly certain that every time he looks at Isak, he finds himself surprised by what he sees. Even more, he is baffled by the way he feels when looking at him, what he feels in his heart and in his gut - intense feelings he doesn’t know how to suppress anymore at the sight of the young man.

 _His boyfriend_.

“Damn, since when did you become that cynical?” Yousef exclaims.

Even would never forget the day when 19-years-old Yousef told him on their way to the bus stop after an afternoon at the Bakkoush house that “I swear, Sana and I are soulmates”. His friend said the words with so much conviction and confidence that Even found himself nodding resolutely.

Although he's been known for his naivety and his taste for romanticism, Even never really thought about the concept of soulmates. Or rather (to be completely honest with himself), he had never considered that he would be lucky enough to have a soulmate; and from this assumption, he had preferred to forget this foolish concept, source of much more disappointment and pain than joy.

So, okay... Naive and romantic Even might have become a cynical kind of guy over time.

But for his defense, life had given him no reason not to become one.

Well, until-

“How are things with Isak?” Yousef asks, looking a bit concerned. “I thought it was good?”

“It is,” Even says without hesitation, because it is true, because his boyfriend makes him want to think about foolish things like soulmates. “It’s really great actually.”

His friend smiles wide and nods, “I’m really happy for you, man.”

“Thanks,” he smiles back. _I’m happy for me too_ , he doesn’t say.

*

Even never locks his door when he’s home. He tried to convince Isak that he could get in his apartment at any time without knocking, which he managed partly; his boyfriend didn't knock anymore but always sent him a message ten minutes before his arrival to warn him.

It was almost like if he lived here as well. Almost.

So it isn't a surprise when Isak comes in. He leaves his jacket and backpack on the floor next to his shoes and joins Even. He is half lying in his couch reading a book about Greek myths that he had bought a year ago for one of his classes. Isak doesn't sit beside him though; he lays down between his legs and rests his head on his chest, like he belongs there.

"Hi," he finally says, rubbing his cheek against Even’s t-shirt like a blissful kitten. Isak sighs contentedly. Even can't help but think it is adorable.

"Hi," he replies.

Isak raises his chin, silently asking for a kiss that Even grants him straight away. There is no universe where he wouldn’t.

"I had a terrible day and I'm exhausted."

"Didn't sleep last night?"

Isak doesn't answer and shrugs. Even knows it by now, it means yes.

"Do you want to stay tonight?"

"I didn't take any clothes with me."

"You can borrow mine, it wouldn't be the first time and I don't mind, you know it."

He didn't suddenly become the miracle cure for Isak's insomnia, but he is quite good at distracting him and helping him relax so he could still sleep a few hours. He wishes his boyfriend had spent the previous night with him, but Isak wants to stay most of the weekdays' nights at his own place. Even knows it is his way of keeping distances, not becoming stifling (because Isak is always afraid to overstay his welcome even though he never did - and never could). But the thing is, Even doesn’t know how to tell him that he would love to spend all his nights with him at his flat without giving the impression of asking him to move in with him.

Not that he didn't want it.

It was rather that he was not sure whether Isak would like the idea.

“Okay, I’ll stay,” Isak agrees. “What are you reading?”

“Greek myths.”

“Tell me a story then.”

Even drops the book on the coffee table since he knows the story by heart by now.

“Platon had a theory about soulmates. According to him, originally, human beings had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. Zeus, who feared their power, cut them in two, condemning them to spend the rest of their lives searching for their missing part.”

Isak raises his eyebrows and smirks as he says, ”well, shit. The guy wasn’t kidding.”

“Greek gods are pretty extreme, yeah.”

“You mean they are fucking drama queens,” he jokes and Even laughs.

Laughing- it's one of the few things he had forgot he could spend hours doing before Isak made himself a place into his life.

“Zeus would have loved you.”

Isak pokes him in the ribs with the tip of his index finger. “Are you saying I’m a drama queen too?”

“Nah, I mean you’re quick-witted,” Even replies with a playful smile.

The younger man scoffs, “Seems like it would have get me cut in half. Or, you know, chained to a rock where my liver would be eaten daily by an eagle. Zeus doesn’t like smartass.”

“Oh, so you’re Prometheus now?”

“Yup. That’s me. I stole the Olympic flame and spread knowledge among humankind. Huge job but I did it, all by myself,” Isak says with a smug face. Even keeps laughing, even more when his boyfriend fakes to be offended, “what? You don’t think I’m capable of stealing a damn flame?”

“I do, actually. Because surely you did steal the flame of my heart.”

“Oh my God,” Isak exclaims, “you didn’t just say that.”

“I think I just did,” Even laughs. He can't believe he was the one giving Yousef shit for being sappy a few days ago. _Hypocrite_ , indeed.

“Oh my God,” Isak repeats, “I’m breaking up with you.”

“No, you don’t,” Even whispers and put his arms around his boyfriend’s waist to keep him in place on him, even though Isak isn’t going to leave - not even pretends to.

Instead, he pushes back Even’s t-shirt, revealing his now-naked belly. He moves back a little to rest his cheek on him, half on his stomach, half on his hip, skin on skin, sharing their mutual warmth. That’s one of the things Isak does sometimes that Even became particularly fond of. It always feels incredibly intimate.

He smiles to himself as Isak’s nose brush against his belly button.

“The navel is the only remnant harkening back to the soulmates’ original form,” Even says.

For a while, Isak doesn’t react and Even stays silent as well, sliding slowly his fingertips into his boyfriend’s curls. But then, Isak starts to smile against his skin before leaning and kissing his navel one time, a soft but meaningful peck.

Even thinks there are butterflies in his belly.

No, wait- there are fireworks.

Is that what you’re supposed to feel when you find your missing part?

*

It’s a peaceful Friday night.

Even is finishing cutting the chicken into pieces while Isak is sitting on the kitchen counter beside the cooking hob where he is stirring in a saucepan a mix of rice, finely chopped onions and one cup of chicken broth. Even makes him raise his legs so he can extract a frying pan from the bottom cupboard that he then puts on the hob next to Isak's saucepan. He turns the cooktop on and heats a knob of butter before grabbing the chopping board and pushing the chicken into the pan.

“What’s next?” Isak asks.

“Now you can add two tablespoons of curry and stir until incorporated. Wait five minutes and then you can add the coconut milk and the chicken,” Even replies.

His boyfriend nods and follows his instructions with meticulousness. He is frowning slightly, a sign of his concentration, and Even is willing to bet that Isak must look exactly the same when he is performing an experiment in his laboratory at university.

When Isak removes the risotto from the heat and adds salt and pepper before stirring without Even telling him to do so, he can’t help but feel a little proud of his sous-chef.

It's not that Isak can't cook - obviously, he can; he left his parents' place at sixteen and has been taking care of himself ever since. He just never finds the time or the wish to diversify his homemade meals. Or, at least, it was true before Even. Because now Isak has a boyfriend who loves to cook as a hobby and takes to heart to teach him new recipes and a few cooking tricks.

One thing led to another, they started to look for new recipes on Pinterest that they now try every weekend together.

Turns out Isak found a new taste for cooking and is pretty good at it.

“I’m the master at cooking chicken curry risotto,” Isak announces proudly.

“I thought you were the master at cooking salmon stuffed pasta shells and spinach and goat cheese quiches,” Even points out with a grin.

“I’m the master at cooking everything.”

“Such a talented boyfriend,” Even smiles and pins him against the counter.

Isak laughs as they start making out.

Even is sliding his hands under his boyfriend’s t-shirt, running his fingers on the soft skin of his stomach, and keeps alternating between biting Isak’s lower lip and licking into his mouth. Isak shivers under his ministrations. In a rush, he grabs Even by the hips and pulls him closer between his legs. Even is this close to tear the younger man’s clothes off when Isak stops biting his neck and pushes him away gently.

“Even, it’s going to get cold,” Isak complains, panting heavily against the counter with his blown pupils.

“Someone looks hungry,” he jokes.

“Shut up,” he blushes. “Help me set the table.”

In the end, Even sets the table alone while Isak keeps texting in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Even asks when his boyfriend doesn’t join him to eat.

Isak looks up, mumbles an apology and put away his phone before sitting at the table. When he does, he locks his ankle with Even’s, a new habit.

“Jonas wants to grab drinks tomorrow. Wanna join?” Isak asks. “Magnus has been asking for you by the way, but I haven’t decided yet if I need to worry about his new obsession for you or not.”

He takes a bite of chicken before adding, “you should ask your friends to come too!”

Even doesn’t answer right away. He thinks about the notification on his own phone, reminding him of his monthly appointment.

“Even?” Isak says, looking at him with a frown. “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“No, I mean, what time is it?”

“Jonas talked about eating out somewhere, so maybe we can meet up at 6?”

When Even hesitates again before speaking, Isak grows suspicious, “What’s going on? Are you busy tomorrow?”

It's not that he doesn't want to tell Isak about it or that he's afraid to tell him. No, they are actually used to discussing his illness by now. It's just that talking about it, it's still theoretical. Isak doesn't have to see concretely what impact his disorder can have on his life - on their lives. An appointment is nothing compared to an episode, of course, but it's still something that can, for example, prevent him from going out with their friends.

A necessity but still a constraint.

“Actually, I have an appointment in late afternoon. But I can join you later when I’m done?”

“An appointment?”

“With my shrink. Once a month. Forgot about it until this morning,” he explains, a bit ill-at-ease even though he knows he shouldn’t be. “I should be done by 7 but sometimes I need a break before… jumping into the crowd again, you know?”

Isak nods like if he actually knows. Maybe he doesn’t but still can understand him.

It’s enough for Even.

“Do you… I can come with you if you want,” Isak says.

“What?”

His boyfriend blushes, embarrassed. “I mean, I want to walk you to it and wait for you if… I don’t know, if you think it would help you? Like, you know, I could be your moral support or something. I don’t know. Sorry, I-”

“Isak this is very nice of you. I would love that, thank you,” he replies with a genuine smile.

His boyfriend blushes even harder at his words. Isak loves being called clever but he can never take a compliment about his kindness, even though he has the biggest heart. It’s like he doesn’t know it or doesn’t believe it.

Maybe he really doesn’t.

It looks like it.

“Isak,” he says as he gets up and walks to him, putting the younger man on his feets before holding him in his arms and talking quietly against his ear, “you’re amazing.”

Isak makes a breathless sound and soon enough Even feels his arms around him, his shaking hands clutching at his t-shirt and his lips against his own. It’s a slow kiss- a caress to the soul, a whisper to the heart.

Even brushes his golden curls and takes a small step back so he can look at him in his emerald eyes when he adds, “And I love you.”

The sound escaping Isak’s mouth then sounds awfully like a sob.

So Even holds him tight like Isak does for him when he feels he’s going to shatter into pieces.

*

It’s slow and tender-

Yet still languorous and intense and _so_ heated.

Isak is gorgeous under him, hot and wet, and the moans, the whispers he’s making… He sounds as wrecked as Even feels. Isak’s mouth stays open as he breathes hard between the gasps and the pleas; so Even traces his thumb along Isak’s swollen lips, admiring the tiny gaps between his teeth, and then leans to kiss his fluttering eyelids.

“Please,” Isak whispers and Even is pretty sure he doesn’t realize he is speaking.

Even answers anyway, “yes, baby, I’m here. What do you want?”

He doesn’t say anything, instead whines and meets his thrusts as his fingers dig into Even’s shoulder blades, nails biting his skin. Even wraps his arms around his body and bends over until they are chest to chest. They can’t physically be closer and yet, it doesn’t feel enough.

It never does.

Isak moans his name, desperate, clinching and dragging his nails down the older man’s back.

“Tell me,” Even murmurs against his red and bitten lips. He brushes their noses together before kissing his cheek softly

Isak doesn’t tell him.

Even trails his mouth to his neck, sucks on the delicate skin, making his boyfriend cry breathlessly, and keeps pushing deeper. When he feels Isak’s arms leaving his body to hold on the sheets, he just _knows_ and he takes his lover’s face into his hands, stroking his cheeks gently.

“Isak, love, look at me. Open your eyes.”

He opens his eyes after a few seconds. They look dark and filled with lust but Even sees something else. Something more…

The thing Isak doesn’t want to say out loud.

“Okay?” He asks.

Isak kisses him like he always does, soft and slow, and whispers, “I’m okay. I love you.”

Even then can see nothing but brightness and blissfulness in his eyes. He wishes they could stay like this forever.

But he feels Isak purposefully tightening around him, making him stuttering praises and curses. Suddenly, he can't form a proper thought, he’s dizzy and his brain is blank except for a name, singing and echoing inside his head like a mantra- _Isak, Isak, Isak_ …

His whole body lights up and vibrates until his orgasm crashes over him, taking him by surprise; he feels Isak following him and there is nothing he can do to resist it.

So they hold each other through it and cries into the other’s mouth until they slowly calm down.

*

Isak is lying on Even’s chest when he finally find the courage to voice his fears.

“I don’t want you to leave me,” he whispers, so low that Even almost miss it.

He knows by now that Isak is used to having people he loves leaving him. Or, rather, he is expecting people he loves leaving him (because he can't possibly getting used to it, no one really can; no matter how strong and detached you're trying to be, it will always hurt just the same) and of course, he is scared it will happen again. With Even.

Except there is no universe where Even leaves Isak Valtersen.

This is an absolute sure thing.

“I won't,” Even promises while stroking his boyfriend’s naked back, drawing patterns on his skin.

Isak moves to hide his face into the crook of the older man’s neck and Even lets him, to let him time to breathe and gather his thoughts. He pulls the blanket higher on them so Isak is wrapped in it to the shoulders. Then he pushes the sweaty curls away from the younger man’s forehead and he kisses him softly on the temple, in the hope of soothing him.

“I'm sorry,” Isak says after a moment of silence. “I didn't mean to make it weird and freak out on you. It wasn't cool. Don’t mind me, I’m just tired.”

It breaks Even’s heart how Isak is always so afraid to be annoying or too demanding. He rarely asks for things and when he does, he tries to take back his words in the next seconds like if he isn’t in the right to have demands. Even wonders what happened to him in the past that made him this insecure and it makes him want to have known Isak sooner in his life. Well, he always wants to but even more in such circumstances.

“It's okay. Just… Tell me what's on your mind,” he suggests.

“I can't,” Isak shakes his head.

“Okay. But when you feel ready to talk, I'll be there. Always.”

“Okay.”

“Can I say something else?”

Isak hesitates but nods eventually, “I guess…”

“You're allowed to ask things. No matter what, I would never judge you, or laugh at you. And we don’t have to always agree but we can always discuss it. Work it together.”

“Together,” Isak repeats, “okay.”

He doesn’t say anything after that but it’s okay. They still have all the time in the world.

*

It’s Saturday night and Isak is mad at him.

They are at a bar with their friends - Isak’s and Even’s, all mixed together - but Even can't get into the mood and Isak is pissed at him, he can feel it. There is also the fact that Sana is staring at him like she wants to rip his face off. It’s very likely that Isak talked to her and now she is in her “you fucked up with my friend and I’m going to make you regret it” state of mind. Even definitely doesn’t like being on the receiving end of it. More than this, he hates that he ended up in this situation because he hurt Isak.

“What's going on?” Mikael asks because the guy has eyes everywhere.

“Nothing.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing,” he repeats.

Mikael pinches his arm. “Hey!”

“Don't lie to my face,” his best friend warns him.

Even sighs, giving up. “I had my appointment early. Isak came with me.”

“And?”

“I kind of freaked out.”

“Definitely not your style,” Mikael mocks.

“Shut up,” he retorts. He’s still holding in his hand the bottle of beer he ordered for Isak before Isak asked for his own to the barman and left without a word. It’s okay though, Even knows he deserves it. “I just… He was sitting in the waiting room and I thought… That's not how he should be spending his Saturday afternoon.”

“Again with these bullshits,” Mikael groans.

“I know. It's stupid but before I could get my head straight I messed up. He said something about coming with me again next time and I said I'm not sure there would be a next time.”

Mikael groans again before he pinches him harder. Now he is mad at him, just like Isak, and Even understand him. Both of them. He is mad at himself too.

“You're an idiot, you know that?”

“Trust me, I do.”

“I don't think you do. You have a guy who wants to stick with you and be a part of your life, a guy that you love last time I checked, and yet, you shut him out. And you did it pretty harshly by the way.”

“I didn't mean to-”

“Doesn't matter. You did.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Mikael takes a sip of his soda and smiles at Adam when he waves at them from the other side of the room. Then he looks back at Even with threatening eyes and says, “I'm leaving you now. Fix this mess or else I swear…” His voice trails off and he leaves Even without a second glance.

Except there is no “or else”; he has to fix this.

On one hand, Even doesn't want to ruin Isak’s night any further. On the other hand, Isak is clearly not having a good time; his smile is forced and he keeps glancing at Even instead of focusing on his conversation with Magnus and Mutasim.

So when Isak moves to the bar to get another beer, Even follows him.

“Are you alright?” Even asks because he's a complete and utter idiot, just like Mikael likes to repeat to him.

“I don't know Even, what do you think?” Isak snaps back then whispers, “just… Forget it.”

He makes a move to leave without ordering his beer but Even catches his arm and hold him back. Isak looks at him, upset, but doesn’t push him away just yet.

“Can I talk to you?” Even implores.

Isak makes him wait ten seconds before nodding. Even grabs his hand, a light hold so Isak can pull away if he wants to, and leads them outside and then further away so they can talk without being heard by the smokers in front of the bar.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t want you to come with me next time. That’s not what I meant,” Even explains.

“So what did you mean, then, Even?” Isak retorts, saying his name in a real annoyed way. It’s the first time and it makes Even shaking a little.

“What I meant is that I’m sorry you have to do things like walking your boyfriend to the shrink.”

Isak’s expression changes suddenly, from irritated to sad, and Even wonders what’s the worst between the two.

“Even, I love you just the way you are. When you say or do things like that… It’s like you dismissing my feelings,” he says, sliding their hands together. “You said we have to work together. And I’m trying, I’m always trying but you… Are you?”

“I’m sorry”, Even whispers before he has the time to think and hold his stupid apology back. He’s not surprised when Isak gets upset and angry again.

He knows he can only blame himself for it.

“What do you want, seriously?” Isak exclaims. “What do you feel? I just… Sometimes it's like we don't need to talk, we just have to look at each other and we get it. But sometimes… I feel like you're somewhere else, you know? You're not with me. And I don't know if you really want to be with me or if I'm just some kind of distraction. I don’t know if you’re going to change your mind and leave me overnight.”

Even feels his blood run cold and he is so taken aback that he is almost at a loss of words. Almost.

So that’s what yesterday was about.

He had been _so_ blind.

“What?! How can you say that?!” He objects hoarsely.

Isak shakes his head. “Fuck, I don't know! I just- tell me what you feel?”

“You're not a distraction and I have no intention to leave you, Isak!”

“This is not a feeling, Even.”

“I love you. Please tell me you know this,” he says, not caring about sounding desperate. He is anyway.

“What does it even mean? To you?”

Even brushes his right hand in his hair, so frustrated- not by Isak, not by this conversation; by himself. How can he write love stories and not be able to show his boyfriend he's fully invest? What's wrong with him? Was he too casual about them? It’s true, when he thinks about it, that Isak is the one who has gathered his courage and made the first step. Then the second. Maybe all those who mattered. Isak was the bravest because he let himself feel and choose to act on his feelings. He took risks.

What did Even ever do? Nothing.

He did nothing for him.

So he starts to speak without even thinking, because he’s suddenly terrified of losing Isak;

“I love the way you roll your eyes, even more when you do it because of me ‘cause you have this tiny smile, just for me, and it makes my stomach flutter. I love the fact you always buy me a muffin when you go to Kaffebrenneriet even if we don't see each other in the next hours. You know, no one ever done something that selfless for me, just to make me happy and it’s not much but it does make me very happy. When I'm feeling down, I love that you don't ask me questions, don't feel forced to speak and don't tiptoe around me. You just lay in bed with me, put a movie and if I show an interest, you give me an earphone without saying anything, no pressure. I hate having people around when I'm like that because it makes me feel self-conscious and guilty but when it's you, you make my head a quieter place and trust me, it's not an easy task. I love when we stay hours in my apartment doing nothing because that’s how comfortable we are with each other, how _at home_ I feel with you. I love when we go out with our friends and got so drunk that we are the first ones to leave and we end up at my place, joking about stupid things that only us find funny and crying with laughter until we fall asleep still in our clothes. Isak, you’re everything. You’re my closest friend and my confident and my lover. You’re my favorite person in the whole world.”

Even didn’t look away from Isak during his monologue but he is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice the tears in Isak’s eyes until he’s done speaking. He didn’t mean to pour this ocean of words but once he started, he didn’t know how to stop. He wants Isak to know and understand. He doesn’t want him to doubt anymore.

Because now, Even feels. _So much_.

“Remember when you said to me you didn't realize you've been holding your breath until I brought air into your lungs again?” Even asks. Isak blinks and then nods slowly, looking a bit lost and still very moved and on the verge of crying.

Even takes a deep breath before saying, “I think I was blind before I met you.”

Isak frowned but Even doesn’t let him interrupt, “Seriously, this is not some pretentious poetic bullshit. I mean it. I wasn't seeing anything because I didn't allow myself to feel. I was in the dark. I was numb. I wasn't really living. But then…”

Even pauses to lean and cups his boyfriend’s face in his hand and stroke his cheek gently. He tries to smile as well, because it’s all he wants to do when he is looking at Isak. “I met you, Isak, and I could see bright colours again,” he says. “And it was so beautiful… I forgot how much it was.”

Isak's kiss then is wet from his tears but he still smiles into it. Even holds him and soothes him, his fingers tangled in his boyfriend’s hair, fondling his scalp like he knows Isak likes it.

They must look a bit ridiculous, cuddling in the middle of the street, being incredibly dramatic and sappy.

Ultimately, Even loves it.

After a long time, Isak breaks their languishing kiss. He wipes his eyes and his damped cheeks before shaking his head like he’s trying to clear his mind.

“Maybe we can pursue the serious part of this conversation later,” he says.

“Okay”, Even agrees and smiles because even though there is still the _serious part_ he knows - feels - that they are going to be okay. Isak is relaxed and he smiles back at him. He even takes his hand and kisses his knuckles, just like he did it a couple of months ago, the night he made the first move and opened his heart to Even.

Tonight, Even wants to do the same.

“I want us to move in together,” Even confesses (or proposes, implicitly?) and there is no trace of hesitation or fear in his voice nor in his mind anymore. Everything is clear and bright and _right_.

Isak smiles wide, like he’s been waiting for this for a very long time and maybe he did. The thought makes Even’s heart jumps inside his chest. “Yes”, his wonderful boyfriend replies and it’s everything.

They are everything.

*

A few weeks later, Even is standing on _their_ new balcony and gazing out at the sunset, warm colors tainting the facade of the opposite building and the leaves of the green trees along the road.

Behind him, he hears Isak shuffling a few moving boxes. They are too lazy to unpack tonight but Isak needs to find his books for university tomorrow and since he forgot to write on the box, it’s taking more time than necessary.

“Ah ah!” Isak exclaims victoriously after a couple of minutes.

Not long after that, Even feels two arms encircling his body, heat against his back, lips pressing briefly against his shoulder blade before finally, Isak rests his chin on his right shoulder. Even turns his head so he can kiss his boyfriend’s cheek and he can’t hold back a content sigh.

At this moment, everything is perfect- the sunset, the new apartment, Isak, their embrace; and Even wishes they could stay like this forever.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Isak murmurs, watching the view.

Even smiles.

Hours watching people living though his window, but Even was seeing nothing. He saw nothing because he was feeling nothing-

Until now.

Loving yourself. Loving your friends. Loving your partner.

It's a long journey, learning to open your heart and allow yourself to feel. And Even is still learning but he doesn't have to do it alone.

Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty nervous about this one... But I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Please, tell me what you think! <3
> 
> You can talk to me on my [Tumblr](http://badwolf-way.tumblr.com/).


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